2012 in Reflection

As 2012 draws to a close, I am amazed how much has changed in my life in just one short year. I am so grateful for life's blessings the past year.

A friend asked me recently, "Is motherhood/parenthood really all what it's hyped up to be? Did your world really change that much?"

At the moment, I just said "yes" because yes, of course it did change but as I took some time to think about what has changed.. it's hard to put into words for someone who hasn't gone through the experience of parenthood for him/herself.

First, it's the overwhelming feeling of absolute "no questions asked" unconditional LOVE. her life is my life. would I take a bullet for her, go to the ends of the world for her, put everything on the line for her.. These are all questions I would never really think to ask of myself if I weren't a parent. Of course, as a devoted wife, daughter, granddaughter, if someone asked me these questions, I would without question say yes for my husband, my mom, my grandma... but I've never seriously considered them on my own. But with motherhood, it's what I think about. You're in a constant "what if" protective mode. Call it motherly instinct or parental awareness if you will. It's having an exit plan forming in your head when you enter a building just in case.

Second, it's putting what she needs before my own without even thinking about it. Sure, I don't watch TV anymore and I don't remember what more than 5-6 hours of consecutive sleep feels like.. but honestly, I have zero complaints. I may feel tired from getting up to nurse at nights and I may be a season behind on all my favorite TV shows but the minute she smiles, my world lights up and every sleepless night is worth it!

And last, but definitely not all, it's knowing that I am responsible for her well-being and that she is my lifetime commitment. It's crazy that she grew inside my belly and that for 9 months we operated as one being and now, she may be physically separate from me, but my bond with her is forever. There will, no doubt, be ups and downs. We will go through her trouble twos, her teenage rebellions, her first love, her first heartbreak, her going to college, her moving to her first place on her own, her wedding.. Whew!! I'm getting too ahead of myself! But, through it all, I know I will forever be by her side encouraging her and guiding her. I may not hold her hand through it all because I believe there is value in learning lessons on her own, but I will always be there to lift her up and support her as best as I can :)

So yes, Madison has changed my life tremendously. Yes, I'm a mom now and I am proud of it. 2012 was an amazing year and 2013 is going to be even better!!

Happy Holidays!

Stationery card

View the entire collection of cards.

A letter to my Baby - Happy 5 Months!

Dear Madison,

Baby girl, today, you turn 5 months. Mama can't believe how fast time has gone by and I know soon you will hit milestone after milestone in a blink of an eye. I want to reminisce on the past 5 months and cherish all the wonderful memories you've given us before you grow up too fast! 

From the moment Daddy called out "It's a Girl" when you were born, our hearts filled with love.  Dada and I spent those first couple days in the hospital overwhelmed with joy and in disbelief that after anxiously waiting for you to arrive in our lives, we were finally parents to a beautiful healthy baby girl.  

The first month we spent at Grandma's house was definitely a wild roller coaster ride. Everyone told Mama to sleep when you slept but I just couldn't help staying awake to look at you while you slept so peacefully in mama's arms. And then there were those nights where all you wanted was to nurse and as tired as mama was and as painful as it was, I wanted to do my very best to breastfeed and nourish you as much as I could.  You had so many aunties and uncles who came to visit and were thrilled to meet you.  Some swept you up like you were their own and some were a bit nervous to hold you because you were so tiny!

When we finally brought you home, you settled in right away in your new room.  We were definitely blessed with a baby who LOVES to sleep, just like mommy and daddy! You got to meet your "brothers" Ronald and Batman who were curious to see who was this new little being taking up so much of mommy's time! The next 3 months were amazing as Mama was able to spend every second of every day with you! We attended our first Gymboree class with Auntie Laura & cousin Dylan, went on a rose bowl walk with Auntie Arty & baby Callie, made way too many trips to Target and the mall, and then, there were just the wonderful days of staying in at home.

Maddie, Mama is already SO proud of you.  I know you are going to grow up to be an incredible strong woman but right now, at this moment, I just want to remember you as you are. Before you start to roll over with ease and sit up, before you start to crawl and run and walk, before you stop finding blowing raspberries entertaining because you can say "Mama" and "Dada".. I want to remember your baby cries and your little shrieks of laughter. I want to remember your little hands and chubby thighs. The way you stare up at me when you are nursing and when you try to "talk" while sucking on your wubbanub.  The way you reach for your toys and touch Mama's face. My most recent favorite memory is when you woke Mama up one morning by blowing a raspberry right in Mama's face. It's the way you communicate without being able to talk that I love most about this stage in your life.

As much I love this stage in our lives, and as much as I wish you can be my baby forever.. I am also going to embrace the little girl you are becoming.  And when you fall, Mama will pick you up and when you start to walk, Mama will hold your hand. And when you say "Mama", oh baby, my heart will just melt.

Happy 5 Months Maddie!!

Love,
Mama

Songs and Babies

Is it strange that every song I hear today reminds me of Maddie.. must be a new mom thing? Like the opening lyrics to Shania Twain's "You're Still the One" made me think of my breastfeeding journey with Maddie and how far we've come..

"Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong"

or take Rihanna's top hit right now "Diamonds", the lyrics are obviously talking about the moment a mom first lays eyes on her baby girl haha..

"I knew that we’d become one right away
Oh, right away
At first sight I left the energy of sun rays
I saw the life inside your eyes

So shine bright, tonight you and I
We’re beautiful like diamonds in the sky
Eye to eye, so alive
We’re beautiful like diamonds in the sky"

:)

Back in the grind..

t has just started hitting me today that I'm back at work.. Last week I only had two days so it passed by fast and with over 1,700 unread emails to go through, I didn't really have time to think about it. But today, it is starting to sink in.

My mother-in-law is going to watch Maddie once a week on Tuesdays and she lives near my work so I get to see Maddie during lunch. I thought this would make it easier..but somehow I had a harder time parting with her midday. I've always been a more "out of sight, out of mind, deal with what's on hand" type of person, but that's what I hate most about this situation. I don't want her out of sight, out of mind!! Luckily, this is a short week with the Thanksgiving holiday. Next week is going to be challenging. I just have to keep taking it one day at a time. Thank goodness for the Women's Lounge at work where I can pump and shed some tears in private if I need to :*)

Happy 4 Months!!

Hi Big Bright BEAUTIFUL World!

I turn 4 months today!! I'm feeling a little blue with a cough and sniffles but still in fairly good spirits. Mama and Dada are taking me to the doctor today for my checkup and shots so we'll see what the doctor says.  Mama's been having a really tough time dealing with leaving me at the nanny's and going back to work and I'm sure not making it easier for her.  But I'm a brave and strong girl so I know I will be just fine.

Love,
baby Maddie

P.S. I learned two days ago how to blow baby raspberries and I've been blowing a storm of baby raspberries to Mama and Dada's delight!

Epic Meltdown

I started this week in tears as my return to work aka D-day is fast approaching on Thursday. With only 2 days of my maternity leave left, I want to spend as much time as possible with Madde. So when my hair appointment ran an hour and a half later than anticipated (I started at 4:30p and didn't finish until 9:30p!!), I started getting really anxious. By the time I got home, I was in full epic meltdown mode. A wave of guilt came over me as I just spent the last 5 hours at a hair salon instead of soaking up every minute with Maddie and then the thought of Thursday fast approaching brought on the waterworks once again..

::sigh:: I know I sound completely crazy and ridiculous, especially to people who haven't had kids.. I would never have though in a million years I would feel this way, but I can't help it right now.  I used to think I would have no problem leaving my kid and going to work, but now I just can't imagine being away from her cute little face!  Any moms out there who feel my pain? I'd love to hear how it was for you.